I’m a stubborn ‘cummer’. I rarely achieved climax in less than 20 minutes, and it was more likely that it would take at least 40 plus. Quite often, I didn't reach climax at all. I felt for a long, long time that something was wrong with me. Maybe my anatomy was built wrong? Maybe there’s a secret to reaching climax easily that I’ve not been let in on, something everyone else knows about except for me? There was a part of me that knew my issue stemmed from my mind. I have ADHD; my brain doesn’t switch off to allow me to enjoy the moment, which reduces my chances of reaching peak pleasure.
The only exception to this was when I was receiving intense sensations or pain during sex, alongside a nice, strong bullet vibrator on my clit. Examples of this are being stretched with a thick dildo or having anal sex. It doesn’t have to be rough, just intense. The stimulation forces my mind to shut down, leaving only the primal part awake. The resulting orgasms can be so intense that they've occasionally brought me to tears. At a sex club, a stranger once witnessed one and later approached me to say, "That was violence." A female friend who overheard him whispered, "Tell me you've never made a woman come without telling me," which still makes me laugh.
Despite my body’s all-or-nothing approach to climax, I still love having sex. I get excited, turned on, and feel the rush of endorphins just like most people do. And since Luke and I began practising ethical non-monogamy, I have been learning so much by playing with and chatting with other people in the lifestyle. However, my biggest breakthrough was meeting people who practice BDSM and kink. How had I never made the connection between my need for intensity and pain, and the practice of this before? I know why - because it scared me. It looked scary to me, and I thought I would never fit in with that lifestyle.
Now, I get excited at the thought of being restrained, flogged, and forced to submit. I love that I get to switch off my loud brain with its intrusive thoughts and just exist in the moment. And I’m eager to learn how to be on the other side of the whip - in charge of someone else’s pleasure through control of their body and mind. So much so, I’ve enrolled in a femdom course with a friend who is also a switch. Next month, we get to spend a whole day with experts learning the ropes (literally and figuratively).
What was the catalyst for this discovery? It was two people who we met by chance one evening at a club. They were dipping their toes into the lifestyle, having practised only power-exchange play up until recently. I saw him first, waiting for his wife as she used the bathroom. He looked like a Viking, tall and strong with wide shoulders, wearing a black leather tunic, black smudged around his eyes and a big black beard. His wife, with her white-blonde hair that fell past her shoulders, one side of her head shaved, a strong stature that matched her beautiful facial features and big brown eyes, heavily lined in black. They had this intimidating, unapproachable energy that I found incredibly attractive, and I found myself seeking them out.
We played together that night, just sex, no BDSM or kink, and swapped contact details. It was a month or so later that I had my first real experience. I approached them again and boldly asked if they could practice some impact play on me. The husband obliged, asking me to get on all fours in one of the pig pens that were in the dungeon part of the nightclub. He paddled my butt and thighs, and for the first time in my life, I entered subspace. The feeling was like a drug, giving me a high that I wanted to experience over and over again, leading me to seek out more playmates who were into the same scene. That was eight months ago, and I now consider this couple as close friends who I absolutely adore.
We’ve learned so much from each other, supporting one another through new experiences and sharing knowledge that’s expanded our minds within the worlds of sex, swinging, and BDSM and kink. I’ll always be grateful to them for introducing us to their world of pain and pleasure, and for helping me unlock parts of myself that allowed me to feel freer, more open, and more connected to my own pleasure.
While they were the catalyst for my journey, they certainly weren't the only people who shaped it. Every Dominant and submissive I’ve met and spent time with has taught me something new about the lifestyle, BDSM and kink, and about myself. Through these experiences, I’ve gained a deeper understanding of my body and how it responds to different sensations and stimuli. I’ve also discovered interests and pleasures I never knew existed, let alone imagined I would enjoy, before opening myself to this lifestyle.
I’d love to hear about your own discovery of BDSM and the journey that brought you to where you are now, so please share!
Lacey xx